Dance with me
by Ms Kitten
Summary: He reaches out his hand, and just when he starts to think he might have to do some more convincing, he feels her hand take his. He looks up at her and they both smile... Starts out at Maya's wedding in 3x15. Violet/Pete
1. Dance with me

Disclaimer: Private Practice and its characters belongs to Shonda Rhimes. I am merely borrowing them to make light in the current darkness.

AN: So I went to bed after watching the latest episode, but I was unable to sleep. I had to get up and write down the beginning of a scene before I could go to sleep. That again turned into the short story you have before you. It's a different take on the minor Violet/Pete scene in Maya's wedding, where Violet concludes that by pretty much planning the wedding in detail, Maya's wedding is _her_ wedding. Starts off at the end of that scene and spins off from there. Enjoy, and remember that feedback is always appreciated.

---

"This is my wedding." Although she says it with a smile, there is a hint of sadness to her voice.

He doesn't know what comes over him. He certainly didn't mean to say it. Somehow it just slips out anyway. "Dance with me."

Violet looks as surprised as he feels. "What?"

"Dance with me," he repeats, this time with a little more conviction. "If this is your wedding, then at the very least you should have your wedding dance."

She bites her lip, and when she looks back at him there's uncertainty in her eyes.

"It's not a proposal," Pete reasons, trying his best to keep their interaction light and easy. He is no fool. He knows she isn't ready to revisit the idea of the two of them. But he is tired of staying away. He misses her, and not just the woman he loves, but the friend she was to him long before they messed that up with sex and emotions. He misses stopping by her office at the end of any particular difficult day, plopping down right next to her on that lumpy old couch of hers and just talking... about anything and everything. No judgement of any kind, no matter how stupid either of them has been or the mistakes they've made. That couch at the end of the day was like a sanctuary. Their private sanctuary.

It's not that he wants to go back to that and simply forget what more they both had and could have again, but at this point it's better than the way they've been these past couple of months. Right now he just wants to dance with her, even if it just is the one dance.

He reaches out his hand, and just when he starts to think he might have to do some more convincing, he feels her hand take his. He looks up at her and they both smile as he leads her onto the dance floor. Reaching the middle, they take a classic pose, his left arm loosely positioned at her waist, the other halfway stretched out, his right palm meeting her left. It's enough space to keep her comfortable, yet close enough for him to momentarily pretend that everything is the way they're supposed to be.

Pretending is easy when she is smiling back at him like that. He feels the urge to lean forward and kiss her, but he restrains himself. She is not ready, he has to remind himself. And the last thing he wants is for her to turn tail and run.

The song comes to an end and he loosens his hold, giving her the option to back out should she want to. She doesn't take it. As a new song starts up they remain swinging lightly from side to side. And once more Pete suffers a Freudian slip. "I miss this."

He can instantly see the light leave her eyes, her smile quickly replaced by a face very similar to the one he saw every day living at her house. "Pete..." The anguish in her voice is enough to make shivers run down his spine.

"No, hear me out," he cuts her off before she can say anything else. "I know you still need time to heal, but I miss you, and not just..." He pauses, trying as best as he can to find the right words, to explain. "There was a time before all this where you and I were friends."

Violet frowns. "You want to be friends?"

"You know what I want. _I_ know what I want. And I know you're not ready for that... I'm just..." Pete sighs. "I'm just thinking out loud, here. It's... it's not exactly been the best of days."

"You want to tell me about it?"

He cocks his brows. "In the middle of the dance floor?"

"Or we could go somewhere," she suggests.

He feels her hand squeeze his.

"I can still be your friend, Pete," she says. "Whenever you need to talk, I'm here. That hasn't changed."

He thinks long and hard. As much as he wants to take her up on her offer, he knows it means letting go of her, and right now his desire to remain on the dance floor simply is stronger.

"Tomorrow?" he asks. "Your office... or mine, either way is good."

Her hand squeezes his once more.

"Tomorrow," she agrees.


	2. Reach for me

AN: Apparently the muses have decided a continuation is due. This takes place a couple of weeks after Maya's wedding. There will be at least one more chapter after this.

---

There's a brief knock before the unmistaken sound of his door opening. "Pete, you in here?"

Pete freezes up as he hears Violet's voice. His current position with his back to the door hides the fact that he's holding their son in his arms.

"You stood me up," she casually remarks when he doesn't respond, and Pete has no other choice but to turn around and face her. She doesn't say anything, but her mouth unmistakenly forms an "oh" as she takes in the sight of the drowsy baby.

It's then that Pete realizes that it's actually been several months since Violet has even seen her own son, the last time being the day when he announced to her that he would be taking a job with the 'enemy' and give her the space she needed. He doesn't want to admit it, but he fears her reaction. Last time he tried pushing Lucas on her, in hopes that it would awaken her mother's instinct, and what it lead to was her withdrawing from the two of them even further. It's only lately that they've started talking again on a semi-regular basis, and he doesn't want to see that go.

While he searches his mind for a way to explain to her that he's not trying to push their son on her again, he can't help the joyous leap his heart makes when he notices that Violet is actually looking _at_ Lucas. Still, he doesn't want to take any chances with their rekindled friendship.

"I was going to come by as soon as I had him settled," he explains.

She doesn't say anything. He doesn't get as much as a nod to confirm that she's even heard him. There's a long uncomfortable silence between them, filled only by the muffled voices of people walking past the office.

"I can't believe how big he's gotten," she finally remarks, her voice faint, barely audible.

Pete can tell she's reluctant to say anything beyond that, like she acknowledges her own lack of right to even inquire about her own son. It's hard to tell how comfortable she is being so close to the child she practically gave up.

"I can go ask Naomi if she's free to watch him," he suggests. He doesn't want to repeat his former mistake and push too soon. She has to want it, otherwise they will inevitably end up right back where it all started.

Violet clears her voice, but it still comes up rhaspy when she says, "No, that's okay."

Pete suddenly feels a little bolder. "You want to hold him?" Violet's change of expression instantly tells him he's gone a little too far.

"That's okay," he quickly says and the relief in her eyes is evident.

Violet chews on her bottom lip, like she is trying to form an explanation. When she fails to do so, she instead takes a seat on the couch opposite Pete. Her eyes wander back and forth between Pete and Lucas, who's still comfortably snoozing in his father's arms.

"He's doing good," Pete says while absentmindedly stroking his son's tummy.

"Good," Violet replies awkwardly. "That's um... I'm glad he's good."

Once again the air fills with an awkward silence.

"This is uncomfortable for you," Pete finally points out.

"I'm trying not to be," Violet almost whispers.

Pete wishes the couches were closer together so that he could reach out to her. He contemplates moving himself and Lucas across the room, but he doesn't want to invade her personal space. More awkward silence passes.

"You want to go get some coffee?" he suddenly hears himself ask. He can't recall thinking it, yet for some reason that is what comes out of his mouth. Violet looks up and cocks her brows, and Pete feels the sudden need to justify the invite. "Lucas sleeps easier in the stroller."

Violet thinks for a moment before nodding. "Coffee sounds good."

Though he has his back turned to her the whole time, Pete can tell she's watching as he puts the baby into the stroller, tucking him in with his pacifier, his favorite plush animal and all the other essentials.

Walking down the block in the direction of their favorite coffee spot, they look the part of a happy family. Violet is sharing a comical anecdote about her most recent patient, and suddenly they are back to their old longstanding ritual of comparing cases to see who's worse off this week. And as always no winner is declared as neither party is willing to admit to having it easier.

Arriving at the coffee shop they are accosted by two women in front of them in the line, Pete guesses them to be somewhere in their mid-thirties, who instantly bend over the stroller to see the baby. Thankfully they keep their hands to themselves, but the blonde inquires whether Lucas is a boy or a girl.

"Boy," Pete states like the proud father he is.

"Aww, how old is he?" the clearly pregnant brunette asks, directing her question at Violet.

Pete instantly turns his gaze ever so slightly towards Violet to catch her reaction. She's obviously taken by surprise, like she expected to remain in his shadow for the duration of this encounter. He notices that she has to take a moment to think before answering, "Almost eight months, now?"

Pete's certain only _he_ catches the subtle asking tone in Violet's answer, but to make sure he quickly adds, "Time just seems to run away from you. I'm afraid if I blink he'll suddenly be off to college."

The women laugh and nod in agreement before collecting their beverages and leaving the shop. Looking over at Violet, Pete can't help but notice the sad look on her face. "You alright?" he asks.

Violet takes a deep breath and gives him a slight smile. "Yeah, I was just thinking about time."

She doesn't elaborate. Instead she places her order with the barista and by the time they walk out of the shop, each with a hot beverage in their hand, the conversation has turned back to patient anecdotes and the office rumor mill.

"You know what's going on with Addison and Sam?" she suddenly asks.

Not feeling like it's his business to tell, Pete decides to play dumb and asks, "What you mean?"

"I don't know," she shrugs. "I mean, I don't have anything of substance to support any of my suspicions, but something's definitely going on. I figured, being so close with both Addison and Sam that maybe you knew something."

Pete nonchalantly shrugs it off, but inwardly he feels his stomach clench. Not because he doesn't share what he knows about two of his closest friends, but because of the other little piece of information that he doesn't volunteer. He was so sure, when he started this thing with Addison that it would be of no big consequence. After all, Addison took it real well when he admitted to her that he was still in love with Violet, she even confided in him that also her heart belonged to someone else entirely. It had seemed perfect, a completely mutual sex with benefits agreement. No emotional investment, no hurt. Even when Addison later on brought up the subject of Violet, Pete had felt no remorse, because why should she get to judge him when she herself had done far worse.

But what he realizes now, in this moment as they are walking side by side, coffee in their hand, their son sleeping in his stroller, is that while he may still have a couple of points on her in terms of morality, his thing with Addison is not really that much different than what went down between Violet and the Captain. Not when he really thinks about it. He doesn't really know her side of the story, but from the little she got to say in the elevator before he cut her off, he knows that it hadn't been about him. Just as what went down between him and Addison hadn't been about Violet, not directly. He forgave Violet for her indiscretion a good while ago, but it's now that he feels he might understand it, at least a little bit.

"You're quiet," Violet observes.

"Sorry." He covers his pensive state by sending her one of his trademark smiles with that little half-wink that he does so well. Violet is one of the few people who can see past that smile and know everything isn't hunky-dory, but the brilliant therapist that she is, she also knows when not to push.

They have reached the building and as they are waiting for the elevator, Pete hears sounds coming from the stroller. Having an inkling on what this means, he bends forward and true enough the previously snoozing baby has woken up at some point during this outing. Pete sinks down to a kneeling position in front of the stroller and watches his son as he coos and babbles to himself. Lucas notices his father and begins to blow raspberries in his direction. Then his attention is momentarily distracted. Pete looks up to see that Violet is now standing in front of the stroller, as well. She doesn't receive the same warm reception that Pete does with Lucas, but at the same time Pete can see the signs that while Lucas doesn't know his mother the way he should, she is isn't a complete stranger to him, either.

Pete knows he probably shouldn't, but he reaches up and in a swift motion pulls Violet down to a kneeling position as well. With his mother more up close, Lucas coos and stretches out his arms. Pete glances at Violet and can tell she's struggling on what to do. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all. Maybe he once again has blown his chance by pushing too hard too soon.

Minutes pass, the bell signalling that the elevator has arrived rings, but the dysfunctional family doesn't move from the spot. Finally Violet hesitantly reaches forward and touches one of Lucas' little hands. Within a second the boy has a firm grip around her index finger. Pete looks from Lucas to Violet to see that tears are threatening to spill, but she doesn't withdraw. Instead she uses her free thumb to stroke her son's hand. When the boy pulls the finger in direction of his mouth to taste it, she even laughs. For a few second her laugh is warm and motherly, but from there it takes only a few more seconds before it turns into a hysterical one. Violet quickly withdraws from the baby and gets up. Pete makes sure the sudden move doesn't upset Lucas before getting up himself. Violet's breathing is now erratic, and it's clear to Pete that she's having a panic attack. Grabbing one of her hands he places it on his chest right above his heart, then he grabs her face with both hands.

It takes a couple of moments before he establishes eye contact, "Breathe," he tells her. "Breathe."

Slowly her laughter decreases and Violet is able to breathe normally again.

"I'm sorry," he tells her. "I pushed too hard."

Violet looks as though she wants to say something, but she remains quiet. He doesn't know how long they stare at one another, but the moment eventually gets interrupted when the elevator, this time not empty, arrives at their floor. When it empties Violet is the first to get in, but holds it open for Pete as he brings in the stroller. The ride up to the fourth floor is done in complete silence. When it opens Pete backs the stroller out, then turns his attention back to Violet.

"It doesn't have to be an either or," he says. "Lucas is just happy if he gets to see you."

Violet sighs and bites her lip, but before anything else is said, the elevator door closes.


	3. Hear me out

AN: The muses are not done with me, yet, at least one more chapter will follow this one. This takes place just days after their imprompto outing with Lucas.

---

It's close to midday when Pete finds himself standing outside Violet's office. He can see through the open blinds that she's doing paperwork at her desk and not seeing a patient, but still he hesitates to disturb her. Finally he knocks on the frame and opens the door before she has time to invite him in. She looks up and smiles when she sees him. "Hey."

"You don't have a patient coming in, right?"

Violet briefly glances at her clock. "Not for another hour or so," she gestures to the stack of papers in front of her, "I was catching up with my journals. Why?"

"Could I talk to you?"

"Sure." There's genuine concern in her eyes as she pushes the paperwork aside to give him her full attention. "Fire away."

He opens his mouth to speak, then hesitates. Where exactly is he supposed to begin? What is he supposed to say? He sighs and looks down as he mindlessly runs his right hand through his hair.

"You okay, Pete?" she asks.

He looks at her and while she's smiling he sees subtle signs of worry on her face.

"I've loved talking to you over the past couple of weeks," he finally says. He can tell she's about to say something, so he hurries up and continues, "In some way it feels like we're almost back to what we had before we..."

He slowly begins to pace the room. "Anyway, what I want to say is that while I really like where we are right now, I don't want this to be the extent of it. And if we're ever going to have a real chance there's a confession that I need to make. I know you're not necessarily for this kind of full disclosure, but if I don't say this now, I'm afraid that down the line this thing will grow to pester every aspect of our relationship. And frankly, when I do get you back, and I say 'when' because I believe in us, I want that to be the one that sticks."

"Pete..," he hears her say and he quickly stops and turns around.

"I slept with Addison," he cuts her off, and after a moment's pause he adds, "more than once."

He doesn't know why he feels he has to volunteer that last little detail, but he just doesn't want to have any secrets. He wants it all out into the open so that she can digest the information and maybe some day down the line they can talk about it, and maybe even talk about Violet's own affair with Addison's father. At the time he didn't want to hear her explanation, but in light of his own recent actions, he wants them to put those indiscretions to rest and have a chance at a true fresh start.

Violet doesn't say anything, and her face is hard to read. Pete has no way of knowing if she's okay about this, or if she keeps her feelings to herself because any comment made by her would be like the proverbial pot calling the kettle black. Part of him wants to elaborate on how his arrangement with Addison from beginning to end had been a pure physical thing, but he's not sure how any information at this point will help.

Not really knowing what to do with himself, Pete plops down on the couch where this thing with the two of them began. Next to him he sees the blanket she had wrapped around herself that night, all neatly folded up and hanging over the left armrest. It's a fond memory to hold onto while he waits patiently for Violet's reaction.

"Is that why Sam and Addison are fighting?" she finally asks.

Looking up he sees her staring at the stack of papers instead of him. She's hurt.

"Yes," he answers. He doesn't elaborate, because he knows Violet knows enough to fill in the blanks.

"Okay." Her voice is faint and she says the word with what he guesses to be an unintentional sigh.

After several minutes of silence, of her staring intently at that stack of papers, her face void of emotion, he asks, "Are you okay?"

For the first time since his revelation she looks at him. "Why shouldn't I be?" She presses her lips together in a forced smile, but her glassy eyes and rhaspy voice give her away. "It's not like I'm not guilty of doing the exact same thing." The first sob escapes her and she inhales sharply. "I don't have the right to be upset."

Pete quickly gets up and closes the blinds, not very keen on the whole practice looking in on what is and should be a private moment between them. Before he knows it, he's by her desk and he pulls her up into a hug. He didn't realize it until now, but they have not hugged like this since Lucas, since the fateful day when he was born. After the incident with Katie, Violet shunned physical contact, refusing to even let him hold her in bed at night. If he as much as stroked her arm she would mutter something about being tired, sometimes even move slightly away from him.

This time she doesn't withdraw, instead she wraps her arms around his waist and holds on tightly. "I don't have the right," she murmurs, more to herself than him. He can feel a wet patch forming on his left shoulder.

"You do have the right," he firmly tells her, repeating it when she gently shakes her head. "You have every right to be upset."

Several minutes pass where her voice only seems capable of producing sobs and the occasional hick-up. "If what I..." She hesitates. "If it..." She lifts her head slightly and for half a second their eyes meet. "I am _so_ sorry, Pete..," she sobs, burying her head in the nook of his neck.

Pete is stroking her back with one hand, and running the other through her loose curls. Feeling the tears threatening to spill, he plants a kiss on the top of her head and mutters, "I know, Violet." He swallows hard. "I know. I'm sorry, too."


	4. Talk to me

AN: This chapter takes place a couple of days after Pete's confession. I've taken the liberty to refer to events taking place in a couple of season 2's deleted scenes, so for anyone who's confused, the scenes can be seen on my youtube channel "mkitten13" (I'd give the full url, but this place would chop it up, the channel also includes some Violet/Pete videos I've made)

The story definitely has a few more chapters in it, that's what I can guarantee at this point. I can't say how many, but a couple at least.

---

Oceanside Wellness is practically void of people, Pete notices as he steps out of the elevator. Not that he expects to see many around after hours anymore. The days where they would all meet up in the lounge and kick back a couple of bottles of wine, those days are long gone. Still, it's a little surprising not to see a single soul working late, other than the one he's here to see, of course. But he can already tell through he open blinds that she's not working, either.

She's sitting on her couch, wrapped in a blanket, holding in her hands the plant that Pete gave her back when she was pregnant with Lucas. He remembers the moment well, remembers what he said about wanting them not to end up hating each other. And it seems so fitting with everything they've been through, that she would be looking at this plant now. His little peace offering.

Her door is wide open, because it is no coincidence that they are both here after hours. Pete doesn't even have to knock to get her attention, the minute she hears him, she looks up, greeting him with a rather nervous smile.

"So, we need to talk," he points out, breaking the silence.

"That sounds oddly familliar," she teases, reminding him of a different conversation, one filled with smiles and laughter, and great big butterflies flapping around. That morning so long ago, he had rolled out of bed and instantly reached for the phone, using that exact phrase to get her to see him before work. They had quickly agreed on a coffee shop down the street as their neutral ground, and she must have already been up and about when he called because by the time he showed up she was already halfway through her coffee, waiting for him.

He smiles fondly at the memory as he takes a seat next to her on the couch. They sit close enough to touch, and normally they would in some way, hand to hand, knee to knee. Whenever she was really down he would put his arm around her. For a long time this was their thing, looking in on each other after hours, sitting on this very couch, talking about their problems. Now they don't seem to know where to begin.

"So, talking." She places the plant on the table in front of them. "Where do you wanna start?"

"You're the shrink," he reminds her. "How would you approach this?"

"You were my patient once, Pete, you know how I approach things."

"You're being evasive," Pete points out.

"I'm not the only one," she quickly shoots back, which makes both of them laugh. "Look at us," she says after a minute, "arguing on how we're gonna argue."

"I didn't come here to argue."

"What did you come here for?" If he hadn't known her as well as he does, he could have easily interpreted her question as a sign of hostility, but he knows it's just the therapist in her speaking.

"I'm here because I want to understand," he finally says. "About Lucas, and Katie, even the Captain. I've tried to understand, but without your side of the story, I've just been... lost."

Violet takes a deep breath, "Where do you want to begin?" she asks.

"Lucas," Pete says. "You walked away from him, and I'm trying to understand, I am. I'm trying to understand why it's so hard for you to be around our son."

Violet looks down, breathes in, and out, and in again. It takes a minute before she says anything.

"Do you remember the woman we treated for post partum psychosis? Remember what you told the husband who couldn't understand why she would do such a thing to her own child? That he couldn't relate because he was on the outside."

"You should remember what else I said to him. He couldn't relate because she wouldn't tell him how she was feeling."

She looks at him, a look of anguish on her face and shakes her head slowly. "I couldn't tell you."

"You could have," Pete insists, meeting her gaze. "You just chose not to. Instead you walked away, without offering a single explanation."

"You don't get it, Pete. Even if I told you exactly what I was feeling, you wouldn't understand. Y-you loved Lucas from the first moment you saw him, maybe even before that, and you kept on loving him. It wasn't like that for me. I mean, I remember loving him when he was still inside me, but after Katie cut him out..."

She sheds the blanket and within seconds she's up on her feet, walking towards her desk, touching something on it, something that Pete can't see from where he's sitting. After a long moment of silence she finally says, "I couldn't feel anything."

When Pete gets up he spots the unframed sonogram picture lying flat on her desk. It's an early picture, he can tell, possibly even the first one she had done after realizing she was pregnant. He gently touches her right shoulder. For a moment it seems like she doesn't react, but then he feels her left hand touching his, just for a moment. Then the hand drops back down by her side and her head turns to him.

"Katie... left me unable to feel anything. You have any idea what that's like, Pete?" She smiles, but it's a smile of disbelief, like she still can't believe it actually happened to her. "To watch as everyone bonded with my son but me. I would look at his little face and his tiny hands and feet, I would smell that baby smell that drove everyone else completely crazy, yet I felt absolutely nothing. It was like every single ounce of motherly love and instinct that I was supposed to have for him had been ripped out of me, and all that was left was a hole. I wasn't _me_ anymore. I was a shell."

Her expression still one of disbelief, triggers something in him. A memory. All of a sudden, Pete remembers something from back when they were treating the woman with post partum psychosis. He remembers Cooper asking him to go easy on Violet for a couple of days. The pediatrician hadn't given him many details, only hinted that Violet feared she would end up the same way. And now Pete understands.

"You were afraid to hurt him."

She closes her eyes and nods. "Yes," she whispers. Pete spots a single tear go down her cheek and he wipes it away with his thumb.

"And not looking at him?" Pete pushes. "Was that also about about not hurting him?"

Violet nods, but she doesn't say anything.

"What about Sheldon?" Pete asks. "You gave Lucas to me, then a minute later you okay'd a paternity test."

"It was the right thing to do." She looks up at him. "If it had been the other way around... if I'd chosen Sheldon, would _you_ have given Lucas up without a fight?"

Pete knows Violet expects no answer to her question. He and Sheldon all but punched each other fighting over Lucas and Pete can't imagine making a lesser effort should he have been the one in Sheldon's place. "Probably not," he admits in a low voice, unable to keep a smile off his face as he recounts the moment Addison read out loud the results of the paternity test. Relief found a whole new meaning that day.

He feels her hand find his. "I'm glad it's you," she tells him, giving his hand a slight squeeze. "Lucas seems happy."

"You should've seen him when he was teething," Pete teases. "He wasn't so thrilled, then."

She chuckles, but her smile soon fades away and once again she's gazing at the sonogram. Pete feels bad for bringing it up, but at the same time he needs to know.

"When you..." He pauses. Hesitates. "Do you still feel nothing?"

She bites her lip and shakes her head, staring intently at the sonogram in front of her, and Pete lets out a breath he didn't even realize he was holding.

"I'm scared," she admits.

"That you're feeling? Or that you're not feeling enough?"

She tears her gaze away from the sonogram and looks at him, giving him a slight smile. "That's the question, isn't it?"

He reaches for her free hand and gives it a squeeze. "I think where Lucas is concerned, he'd just want you to try."

"What if trying isn't enough? What if I fail?"

Pete shakes his head. "Failing would be to never try."


	5. Look at me

AN: I've decided to mix it up with the POVs. This chapter takes place a couple of days after Violet and Pete's conversation.

There will be a couple more chapters in this story, but I can't tell you how many.

---

She is already ten minutes late when she spots him, sitting on a park bench with Lucas on his lap. The little boy, wearing a dark blue sun hat to protect his sensitive head, is playing with what looks to be a pair of Pete's sunglasses. Although she cannot hear it from this distance Violet can tell the boy is laughing, as his whole body shakes energetically. It's a beautiful sight, and she can tell Pete thrives as a father. She only wishes she could feel this way, too, that she could look forward to today.

In a way she does, of course, otherwise she would never have said yes to this... outing? But as much as she wants to be here, she equally feels like running away. It's a screwed up state of mind, to be afraid of interacting with your own child, but that is her reality. Of course it's not the boy she fears, her perfect baby boy, it's herself.

She is getting better, but the enochlophobia still carries a presence in her life. A somewhat mild case of it, but still. She remains comfortable as long as people remain at a distance, the problem is if they don't, if they take a step into her personal zone without her expressed invite. On her own she believes she can handle it. Fight or flight. But Lucas is vulnerable, as all babies are, and Violet still isn't sure she would be up for the task of protecting him should the two of them end up in a threatening environment once again.

Katie cut away her mother's instinct, and Violet fears she will never get that back. The month she spent recovering from her attack, the mere sound of the door bell sent her running for the closet, but not once did her instincts tell her to also bring the baby to safety. Even if she was right next to his crib, she always left him lying there. When she came to realize that she was horrified. She had gone from a person who instructed her would-be killer on how to safely cut her baby out of her body, a procedure she wasn't looking to come back from, to someone who would rather save herself than her own son. And that terrified her.

Violet is still terrified. That's why she's been standing here for the past five minutes, partially hidden by a tree, watching the tiny family. Having walked away from her child, she doesn't consider herself a part of that family. She knows Pete is waiting more or less patiently for her to come back, and Lucas' young age will allow him to forget his mother was ever away. Even with half the effort she could slide back into a family life with the two of them, but she fears the consequences of it down the line. She could be physically present and still be emotionally distant, and having lived that particular childhood, she knows that's about the last thing she wants for Lucas. Staying away completely seems like the better option.

She sees Pete checking his watch and glancing around. Violet can't see his expression from where she stands, otherwise Pete would have spotted her, but she can tell that he's getting nervous. She doesn't want to do this to him, but at the same time, she can't make this decision for his sake. It has to be about Lucas.

Violet studies her child from a distance. He's grown restless, so Pete lifts him up to a standing position and Lucas begins to bounce up and down. Violet catches the gleeful expression on his face and it sends shivers down her spine. It feels good to feel again. For the past couple of months her emotions have started to reawaken, bit by bit. It's been a bumpy ride, filled with a mixture of good and bad choices. Choices she will have to explain before she and Pete can move forward, if that is even in the cards.

It came as a shock to her, seeing how much Lucas has grown. He has hair now, light brown, just like hers. And teeth, a couple at least. He sits up, and with his father's help he can even stand. He's not just a baby anymore, he's a tiny person with his own distinct personality. And it both excites her and saddens her at the same time. She's missed out on so much.

Lucas reaches for something on Pete's face. His nose? His lip? Violet can't see what. Either Pete makes a noise or a face, maybe both, because the boy flashes his father a wide grin. It's possible he's laughing, but Violet's too far away to hear it. And it's the urge to hear her son's laugh that finally pushes her to take the first step towards the pair.

When she hears it it hits her harder than she expected. It reminds her of the sensation she felt when he kicked for the first time, in a good way as well as bad. A lump has formed in her throat, not only of fear, but also remorse. She believed nothing would be harder than the moment she handed him over to Pete and walked away, but then she didn't count on this moment, where she sees up close what exactly it was she walked away from back then. Her gaze meets her son's, and a tear escapes the corner of her eye. She quickly wipes it away.

Pete notices Lucas' diverted attention and turns around. He smiles when he sees her, and Violet can tell he's relieved. He doesn't comment on how long he's been waiting, instead he scoots down the bench so that Violet can take a seat next to him. Pete turns Lucas on his lap to give the boy a better view of his mother.

The boy eyes her with a great deal of curiousity. Her psychological expertise tells her Lucas is just at the age where he would develop a fear of strangers, but that is not the treatment he gives her. Maybe he just hasn't reached that stage yet, or maybe Lucas instinctively knows she's not a stranger, even though she barely interacted with him that first month of his life and was absent for the rest. All she knows is that within five minutes the boy stretches his arms towards her, indicating that he wants her to hold him.

Violet hesitates. Not because she doesn't want to, but because she's afraid. She knows taking this step will mean something, a commitment to her child. She wants to be a mother, that much she knows. But is she ready? She looks up at Pete, fear evident in her eyes.

"Baby steps," he promises her.

Her gaze moves back to Lucas, and she feels herself give in. Her hands get a life of their own as they reach over, picking up her son. Lucas makes a gleeful sound and upon feeling his tiny body against her own, Violet feels tears form in her eyes. A sensation that doesn't lessen when the boy grabs a handful of her hair and pulls. She laughs, aware that she will have to wear her hair up from now on. And just as she thinks it, she realizes she's made a choice, much like she did a year and a half ago, when she sat alone in her office, staring at a black and white sonogram picture.


	6. Breathe with me

AN: This chapter takes place about a week after the outing in the park.

Still more to come, but no estimate on how many.

Also, who else is beginning to look forward to PrP eps again? I know I am...

---

It's only mid-morning and Violet is sitting at her desk. A last minute cancelation has left a gap in her schedule, so she's using the sudden free time to catch up on patient journals, while waiting for her eleven o'clock to come in. There's a tap on her door, but her mind doesn't register it until she hears Pete's voice.

"St. Ambrose just paged me."

Violet looks up to see Pete all dressed to go, holding a not-so-ready Lucas in his arms, and she knows what he's about to ask even before he says it.

"Think you could take Lucas for an hour or two? I don't want him around the ER."

Part of her wants to ask what on earth happened to the whole 'baby steps' approach they agreed on, but as Pete seems sincerely apologetic about the baby invasion, she doesn't. She doesn't nod in agreement, either. It's too much, too soon for her, but she can't seem to find the words to communicate that.

"I know it's a bit sudden, but Naomi has a patient..."

"Um, I have patients," Violet interjects, quickly glancing at her clock. "My next one's in half an hour..."

"Have Cooper help," Pete suggests. "...or Dell. I've gotta go."

Before she realizes it, Violet finds herself holding a squirming baby boy. And there's a diaper bag sitting on her desk.

"There's food and diapers in the bag," Pete informs her. "And a change of clothes. If you run out, I have more in my office. Lucas usually takes a nap around one, if I'm not back by then, there's a bed downstairs. I have my cell with me, so call if there's anything."

He leans down and kisses Lucas goodbye, and his right hand reassuringly touches her shoulder. "You'll be okay," he promises.

Pete is almost out the door before he turns around to add one more thing, "Oh, and if he gets fussy, he's probably just hungry."

Everything happened so quickly that it takes Violet a minute to realize she's alone with Lucas for the first time in almost eight months. She looks down and sees Lucas busying himself with exploring the lumpy, blue necklace she chose to wear today and sighs. "Okay," she says to herself. "You can do this."

"You can do this," she repeats.

Feeling too restless to remain seated, she gets up and heads over to the window. She raises the blinds and cracks the window open. The cool air and the view of the palm tree right outside has a calming effect on her. Feeling her son wriggle in her arms, she looks down to see that he's already lost interest in her necklace and is instead trying pursue the chain on the blinds. He makes disgruntled sounds when his mother shifts him over to her right arm, keeping him away from the intriguing chain. He stretches his little arms and his entire upper body, but comes nowhere close to his intended target. The more he tries, the louder his protest gets.

She tries bouncing him gently up and down, while slowly circling around the room. It helps soothe him a little, but not completely. Remembering the last thing Pete said before leaving, Violet grabs the diaper bag and takes a seat on the couch, balancing Lucas on her knee. She finds three jars of babyfood in one of the side pockets. "Let's see what we have here," she mutters, partly to Lucas, but mainly to herself. She picks up the jars one by one and reads the handwritten labels. "Strained peas, strained carrots, green beans? Really?"

Staring at the three jars of homemade baby food, it really hits her how little she knows. What's his favorite food? Does he even have a favorite food? What about a favorite plush animal? Or a favorite lullaby? How is she supposed to choose which jar to feed him from, when she knows so little about her own kid? She places the three jars on the table right in front of Lucas, who's eagerly rocking himself back and forth on her knee.

"What do you think?" she asks her son. "See anything you like?"

To begin with Lucas pays no attention to the three jars in front of him, but after about a minute his curiousity is awoken and he attempts to reach the jar to the right. Violet picks it up. Upon seeing which jar her son has 'chosen', she can't help but laugh and say, "You definitely are his son."

She can't find a spoon, so she grabs the jar and Lucas and heads towards the kitchen.

"Dr. Turner!" she hears a voice yell behind her, no less than five seconds after she exited her office.

She turns around to see her eleven o'clock approaching her. Glancing over at the clock over the reception area, she can see that it's still only 10:45, she opens her mouth to speak, but is immediately cut off.

"I got here early," the woman explains. "When I saw you come out I thought maybe we could start our session early today?"

"Cynthia..."

The woman suddenly notices Lucas in Violet's arms. "Oh, is that your baby? He's adorable..." The woman lifts her hand towards Lucas and Violet feels her breathing rapidly increase...

_Is it a boy or girl, your baby?_

_Does she kick much?_

_Can I touch it?_

_Oh, the baby's moving! Oh, it's a smart baby, you can just tell!_

_You have my baby, and I want it back..._

_It kicked! It's calling me! My baby's calling me!_

_Shut up!_

Violet abruptly backs away. The jar tips out of her hand and shatters, spilling its dark green content all over the laminate floor. The sudden sharp noise startles Lucas, and the boy begins to cry.

It's some sight that meets Cooper when he pops his head out of his office. Lucas is crying hysterically in Violet's arms, who in turn is hyperventilating and from what Cooper can tell, experiencing a panic attack. A woman Cooper recognizes to be one of Violet's regular patients, is standing a few feet away from the two, looking pretty distraught. There are shards of glass and unrecognizable green goo on the floor between them. He has no idea what just happened, but he instinctively rushes to Violet's side. She's so far into her panic attack that she flinches when he touches her, even though she can clearly see it's him.

"Dr. Turner?" he hears the woman say behind him.

"Cooper?" Dell calls out from the front desk.

"Deal with her," Cooper quickly calls over his shoulder before directing all his attention to his best friend. "Violet? Violet! Look at me!"

"Violet, you know me," he continues. "You know I'd never hurt you, or Lucas."

He grabs her hand and presses it to his chest. "Violet... Violet, look at me!" Her eyes meet his. "Focus on me! Focus on my breathing. Let everyone else fade away and breathe. Breathe in." Together they take a deep breath. "And out." Both exhale. "And in... and out." The other office doors open and Sam, Addison and Charlotte all peak out to see what the ruckus was all about. The last thing Violet needs is a bigger audience, so Cooper gently nudges her to go with him. "Let's go to my office, okay?"

Violet is still breathing heavily, but at least she's no longer hyperventilating. She doesn't speak or nod her head, but she follows Cooper's lead. Poor Lucas is still crying hysterically, and once Cooper manages to close the door behind him, he closes the blinds for privacy and reaches out his arms. "Here, let me have him."

Her instinctual reaction is to back off and hold Lucas closer. "Violet," Cooper says calmly. "Lucas is very upset and needs to feel safe. Right now you are very tense and upset yourself, and as you know very well, babies tend to pick up on how we feel. You need to let me help you."

He carefully reaches out his hands once more. This time Violet gives him the baby, and the minute Lucas is in Cooper's arms, the pediatrician starts to gently bounce him up and down while talking to him in a calm, soothing voice, "Hey, there, it's okay. Everything's fine."

Violet, on the other hand, sinks down into a seat and buries her head in her both her hands.

There's a light knock before Dell pops his head in. "Hey." He looks around. Lucas has stopped crying, but he's still fussing. Violet doesn't look up. "You alright in here?"

"Slowly getting there," Cooper answers.

Dell looks over at Violet, who still hasn't looked up. "I sent Cynthia home with a new appointment, and I went ahead and cleared your schedule, in case you'd like to go home."

Violet instantly shakes her head.

"Then, can I get you anything? Water maybe?"

Violet finally looks up. "There's some baby food in my office, on the table... and Lucas is hungry."

Dell nods and turns towards the door. "Say no more."

"And get a spoon," Violet calls out behind him.

When Dell returns he has both jars with him, two spoons and a tall glass of ice cold water. With an unspoken agreement, Cooper opens the jar of strained carrots and starts feeding it to Lucas, who eats it with little fuss. Violet watches both of them while sipping her water. Halfway through the jar, Cooper finally asks, "Are you gonna fill me in on what happened? What that patient did?"

Violet sighs. "Cynthia didn't do anything."

"You had a panic attack, Vi," Cooper reminds her, concern in his eyes. "Something she did must have triggered it."

Violet sighs. "For anyone else it would've been nothing. Insignificant."

"And for you?" Cooper prods.

"She reached for Lucas, in a very innocent way, but all I could think about was Katie and how she obsessed about my baby and my belly, and... it was like it was happening all over again... And I know Cynthia's nothing like Katie, she's just an ordinary woman going through a tough time..."

"But she's still a patient, just like Katie was," Cooper understands.

"Exactly," Violet nods.

Imitating airplane noises Cooper steers another spoon of strained carrots into Lucas' mouth. The boy giggles, causing the food to dribble down his mouth. Violet laughs affectionately, but at the same time she feels herself being filled with conflicting emotions. "What am I doing, Coop?" The words leave her lips in a mere whisper.

Cooper looks up. "Are we talking just today or in general?"

"Am I going too fast with this?"

"By _this_, do you mean just Lucas or Pete and Lucas?"

"I'm just afraid that I might be taking on more than I can handle. I mean, you saw what happened. I was so wrapped up in my own head I couldn't even comfort my own child. I want to be a mother, Cooper, but am I selfish to try do this before I'm ready?"

"What makes you think you're not ready?"

Violet raises her brows.

"You weren't hurting him, Vi. All new parents are prone to anxiety and stress, it comes with the territory. You held onto Lucas because you felt you needed to, to protect him, and that's a good thing. Shows you're getting better."

"What if it happens again? What if you're not there to calm me down?"

"Have you thought about seeing someone? Get some help handling these attacks?"

"I'm a therapist, Cooper. What can another shrink tell me that I don't already know?"

"And if a doctor used the same argument about self-medicating, you'd agree?" Cooper reaches out and grabs a hold of her hand. "You can't keep on analyzing yourself and think that and time is all you need to get better. You need objectivity, and that's the one thing you can't give yourself. See someone, Violet, and stay in Lucas' life. If you back out every time there is an obstacle, you'll never get to be his mother."

As a way of underlining his point, Cooper temporarily puts the spoon down and places Lucas on her lap, then he hands the spoon and jar over to her. Getting up, he places a kiss on her temple. "You have a real chance here, Vi. Don't blow it. You ever need anything, I'm only a phone call away."


	7. Explain to me

AN: This chapter takes place about two weeks after Violet's panic attack in the office.

Still more to come, but no estimate on how many.

So, anyone excited about tonight's episode? I know I am... especially LOVE one of the sneak peaks!

---

"I'm in therapy," she suddenly announces.

Pete immediately raises his brows at this, but Violet isn't looking at him when she says it. Rather, her eyes are completely fixated on Lucas, who is over his skepticism and has discovered his mother's potential as a climbing rack. The two of them are sitting on Pete's hardwood floors, the boy standing on wobbly feet, his hands holding onto his mother's shirt. Eventually Lucas loses his grip, but Violet's ready arms catch him, and she laughs as she scoops him up and kisses the top of his head.

The sight in front of him makes Pete fall in love with her all over again. Moments like this were what he pictured when he told Violet all those months ago that he believed they could be a family. The circumstances are far from perfect, but Pete finally feels truly hopeful about the future. Violet is still hesitant about being alone with Lucas, but whenever the three of them are together she demonstrates few signs of fear anymore. Pete knows she still worries, but it's like leaning on him allows her to let go of that fear and simply be a mom.

It's not ideal and eventually Violet will have to learn to fly solo, but for now it's exactly what they need. She looks up and sees Pete staring at her expectantly.

"Dr. Phyllis Watson," she elaborates. "She specializes in both Post Partum and Trauma. I've been to see her a couple of times, now."

Pete's happy to hear Violet is finally acknowledging her need for help, and that she's seeking it, but at the same time he's hurt that she waited before confiding in him about it. It's like she's still holding him at an arms length.

Lucas squeals in delight as Violet helps him back up to a standing position. He turns his head around, as if to check to see that his father's still there, before stretching his chubby little arms towards his mother. Pete smiles and leans over to stroke his son's soft, silky hair. "How's that going?" he asks her.

"It's, um..." Violet looks up at him. "It feels a bit weird," she admits. "Normally whenever I talk to another shrink, I'm either calling in a referral, or I'm arguing the course of treatment... In a way you could say that's what I'm doing here, as well..."

"Except now the patient is you," Pete points out.

Violet bites her lip and nods. "Yeah," she sighs.

"I think it's good you're going," he tells her, which makes her raise her brows and give him an amused look. "What?"

"What happened to therapy being overrated?" she asks.

He smiles and winks at her. "Maybe you're rubbing off on me..."

Her reaction surprises him. Instead of laughing or even smiling, she looks away. He's about to ask her about that when she speaks, "Dr. Watson wants me to keep some distance."

Pete frowns as he looks between Violet and Lucas. "What'd you..?"

"From you," Violet interrupts him. Seeing his confused look, she sighs. "I know it sounds crazy, but the more I've thought about it, the more I realize she has a point..."

"Which is?" Pete demands. He is not liking where this conversation is heading.

"I'm not done dealing with everything that happened to me, and while she encourages me to keep interacting with Lucas, she thinks it would be better if I didn't get involved with anyone right now. Especially not with someone with whom I share as turbulent a past as you."

There's a sinking feeling in his chest. "You've talked about me." It's not a question.

Violet looks up and meets his gaze. "We talk about everything that has anything to do with my problems. That's what you do in therapy."

He is about to reply to that, when Lucas lets out a big, loud yawn and rubs his eyes. Pete takes a note of the time and realises that it is in fact, a little bit past Lucas' usual bedtime. "Here," he says, stretching out his arms, and Violet hands the boy over to his father. Pete is almost halfway up the stairs, before he stops himself, turns around and asks, "You wanna help?"

He doesn't have to ask her twice.

Violet takes him by surprise when she asks him about lullabies and whether Lucas has a favorite. He doesn't. Singing was never Pete's forté, so it's not something he has given much thought about. He has hummed, talked in a soothing voice, even sat some nights holding Lucas until he fell asleep, but he has never sung for his child. This becomes Violet's first step towards real motherhood.

Once Lucas is fed, changed, brushed, and in his pajamas, Violet asks to hold him. She takes a seat on the edge of Pete's bed and holds her son close, gently swinging her body from side to side. Pete remains by the door. Leaning back against the wooden frame, he folds his arms as he watches the two of them. She hums a little bit to begin with. Pete halfway expects some old classic, like "Rockabye baby", so he's surprised when he recognizes the lyrics of The Beatles' "Goodnight". He wouldn't have pegged that to be her chosen lullaby. But then again, nothing Violet ever does seems to follow a normal pattern, so he really shouldn't be that surprised.

Lucas is already half-asleep when Violet lays him down in his crib. For a couple of minutes she hovers over it, watching her son. Their son. Pete moves to join her. Normally he would kiss his son goodnight, but tonight he settles on stroking Lucas' cheek. The boy responds with a sleepy yawn.

Back downstairs Violet starts picking up the many baby toys strewn around Pete's living room. Pete watches her from the staircase. He knows she is merely biding her time, and that if he doesn't say or do something she will be leaving soon, so he hears himself ask, "Would you like some wine?"

She stops what she's doing, turns around and looks at him. Remembering what she said about 'keeping some distance' from him, Pete fully expects her to say no, but still he just has to ask. He doesn't want to see her go just yet.

She ends up surprising him, "You know what, some wine would be good."

Pete walks over to the kitchen and pulls out a bottle. He doesn't bother to read the label, just pours two glasses and brings them with him back into the living room, where Violet has put away all the toys and is sitting on his couch. He is tempted to sit next to her, and there is plenty of space, but respecting what she said about needing distance, he instead takes the chair opposite her.

They sip their wine in silence. Finally he speaks, "So, your shrink, what have you told her so far? About us?"

Violet looks at him. She is neither surprised nor upset by his question. It's like she's been expecting it. "I don't talk about us, specifically, but naturally with how everything is inevitably linked together, I can't not mention you."

"Does she know about the Captain?" There really is no good way of bringing it up, but he has to know if this woman judging his and Violet's relationship has all the facts.

Violet nods. "She does."

"But still _I'm_ the bad guy that you need to distance yourself from?" It's not that he's still angry with Violet for what she did, but the idea that some stranger possibly is judging him makes him tense up.

She vigorously shakes her head. "That's not it at all. You and I... we just have a lot of things that we need to work through, and while that _is_ important, Lucas has to come first. I need to figure out how to be his mom without getting a panic attack whenever someone shows interest in him, or feel like I'm suffocating whenever I'm the only one with him."

Violet puts down her glass and places her hand on top of his. "I know that what I did hurt you... and no matter how much I apologize I will never be able to make up for it. All I can tell you is how sorry I am."

Pete sighs and looks down. "What made you do it?" he quietly asks.

It takes a minute before she answers. "It was the first time I felt like something other than a victim, or a failing mother. I was just a woman to him, and the way he looked at me, it aroused me. I felt desired, again. Even when I told him about what happened, about why I had that scar, he didn't back off or start looking at me differently... I wish I did regret it. Everything would be so much simpler if I could regret sleeping with another man... hurting you, hurting Addison... but the truth is that he helped me. He was the first person who didn't make me feel guilty about not being whole, even said it was okay for me to be selfish, to do exactly what I wanted for a while... It was a relief."

Although he forgave her long ago, he can't help the sting he feels when she reveals to him that she doesn't regret what she did. He tries to decide whether or not her full disclosure makes him feel better or worse.

"I really am sorry, though," she continues, squeezing his hand. "I wish there was some way I could take you out of this particular equation, because..."

"...it wasn't about me," he finishes, finally understanding.

"Was Addison about me?" she counters.

Sometimes he hates her for being a shrink. For always being a couple of steps ahead of him in the game. For knowing him in and out, and at the same time remaining a mystery to him. It's frustrating, yet it's fascinating. She isn't his match in a conventional way, but at the same time she's the only woman he wants to be with. It's not just love, though love plays a big part. She gets him in a way that no one else ever can. And while he can't fully reciprocate, he is willing to give everything to try. He wants to know her the way she knows him.

The sound of Lucas crying over the baby monitor breaks the silence that followed her last reply and is a welcome relief. Pete immediately gets to his feet, "I should..." he gestures towards the staircase.

"Yeah," Violet responds while getting up, herself. "And I should..." She glances towards his front door.

"Yeah..." he nods. "So tomorrow, then?" He refers to their new arrangement of easing Violet into Lucas' daily routine.

"Tomorrow," she confirms and smiles.


	8. Care for me

AN: This chapter takes place about a couple of days after Violet and Pete's conversation.

Sorry it took so long to give you guys another one, but exams came up. What do you guys think of the season finale? Me? I loved it, and I'm really looking forward to the next season.

There is more left, can't tell how many chapters.

Violet feels awkward as she stands outside of Pete's house, but it has nothing to do with the fact that she's currently holding an overnight bag, not directly anyway. They have been talking about this all week long, Violet's first overnight stay. Even Dr. Watson has been on her case about taking a more active role in Lucas' life, like spending time alone with him. Violet knows her therapist means taking Lucas for the night at her own house, but personally she feels this arrangement is better for all parties involved. The minute Violet steps into the house she will have the sole responsibility for Lucas' care: feeding him, changing him, washing him, putting him to bed, as well as getting up with him at the crack of dawn. It will be a simulation of what Dr. Watson suggested, with Pete merely acting as moral support.

She hopes she doesn't look too nervous when the door swings open and she sees Pete standing in front of her, gently bouncing Lucas up and down. Her smile turns into a concerned frown when she notices that neither father nor son look too good.

"Lucas has a cold," Pete explains, sounding a little stuffy, himself. "Maybe we should postpone this until next weekend... the nanny went home early, and I'm already not feeling too good, if you stick around you'll catch it, too."

Violet would lie if she said there isn't a part of her that's ready to turn on her heel and go home, but an even bigger part of her simply tells her to shut up and grow the hell up. So, it isn't the scenario she expected, but it's the hand she was dealt. It's in this moment that Violet finally realizes that she can't keep pre-planning every activity she does with Lucas, especially not if she wants to be his mom. Kids don't come with pre-written schedules or instruction manuals. Part of being a parent is handling whatever is thrown at you. Right now that is her child being sick.

So, she shakes her head and takes a step forward. She lowers her overnight bag to the floor right inside the door and stretches out both her arms. "Hand him over," she tells him.

Pete cocks his brows at this, but does as told. Violet steadies Lucas in her arms and in a motherly gesture, gently applies the back of her hand to his warm and clammy forehead. The boy stares up at her with glassy eyes as she removes her hand and she looks back at him sympathetically. Holding him close, she kisses the top of his head and sways gently from side to side. Looking up at Pete she tells him, "I'm staying."

He closes the door behind her and takes her bag to the guest bedroom, which, given their history, does feel a bit weird. Choosing not to think about it too much, Violet instead devotes her full attention to Lucas, who definitely isn't his usual energetic self. It takes some searching, but eventually Violet spots her son's current favorite toy lying far in under Pete's coffee table, almost by the couch. She has to shift Lucas over to her hip before she is able to bend down and retrieve the brightly colored wooden rattle. Giving it to her son, the boy grips one of the bars and halfway lifts it to his face, but he makes no effort to shake it.

Violet can hear Pete moving around the kitchen and goes to investigate. The first thing she notices is the open, yet nearly full jar of baby food sitting on the counter. Whatever little made it out of the jar seems to be on the bib lying next to it, so there's no surprise that Lucas is listless. Pete turns around and follows her gaze, "I tried, but he didn't want any of it, I think his throat might be a little sore. Here." He hands her a warm bottle of formula. "I was just about to heat it up when you knocked," he explains and she nods.

Taking the boy with her to the couch, Violet carefully removes the rattle from her son's limp hand and gives him the bottle. To begin with Lucas holds it up all by himself, but it doesn't take more than a minute or two before Violet notices the bottle slowly sinking. When she grabs it, Lucas' arms sink all the way down and stays there. His eyes are droopy, but even though he's not far from falling asleep, he continues to drink from the bottle that Violet is now holding up for him. Pete takes a seat right next to them. Stroking their son's head he turns his gaze to Violet.

"We don't have to do exactly as we planned," he tells her. "This could just be a regular weekend and we could work together."

Violet raises her brows as she takes in Pete's equally droopy eyes. "You're sick," she points out. "Go upstairs and get some sleep. I'll be fine."

She tries to say that last part with conviction, but even minutes away from nodding off, Pete picks up on her uncertainty and shakes his head. "No-no, I'm good here."

He reaches over her, and for the few seconds it takes him to grab a hold of the two throw pillows on her side of the couch, their faces are barely inches apart. Violet feels his warm breath on her face and swallows hard, closing her eyes as she waits for him to complete his mission. Too sick to notice Pete uses the extra pillows to prop up his elbow in order to support his head. Slowly, but surely his eyes close and his breathing evens. By the time Violet moves to get Lucas ready for bed, Pete is sound asleep.

It's a delicate process to move a sleeping infant from one location to another without waking them, one that Violet hasn't been given the opportunity to master. But she makes it to the upstairs bathroom with Lucas still asleep in her arms, only to discover that Pete's moved the changing table, probably to the bathroom closer to the guest room, without her realizing it.

She has to shift Lucas' position in her arms, so that she has her right arm free as she makes her way downstairs. It's probably just another part of the crazy, but Violet simply doesn't feel safe carrying Lucas down a staircase without being able to hold onto the banister. She's convinced she's more likely to trip and drop him going down than up. The shift is enough to wake the boy, who immediately starts fussing. Once both her feet are firmly planted on the ground floor Violet rests her son against her shoulder, bouncing him gently up and down while whispering to him in a soothing voice.

Lucas has grown used to his mother by now, but he's groggy and miserable and his stuffy nose is making it difficult to breathe. Instead of calming down, his crying increases. Violet tries to keep calm, but it's hard to do so when her child is crying and nothing she does seems to be working. She detects the slight nasal sound of his crying and reaches for the bulb syringe and saline drops that she conveniently finds lying on the changing table, next to the pajamas, diapers, and everything else Pete has lined up for easy access.

It's a struggle to get the saline drops into Lucas' nose, and he cries bloody murder when she gently applies the bulb syringe in each nostril to remove the mucus. Making sure his supper won't be coming up again, she lifts up her baby boy and rests him against her shoulder, firmly rubbing his back. With his ability to breathe normally returning, the boy's cries lessen and Violet can resume getting him ready for bed. Like pretty much every other baby out there, Lucas loves the airy sensation of lying naked on the changing table. For a moment it's like he forgets about the way his throat aches and how his head is practically burning up. Lucas smiles and reaches for his mother's nose and mouth, but his grip is still weak. Violet lets him enjoy the freedom for another minute before putting on a dry diaper and his pyjamas. She contemplates brushing the four teeth in his mouth, but decides it will do more harm than good at this point.

Violet decides not to put him in his crib right away, but rather leans back on the pile of pillows on the guest bed, her son resting against her chest, covered by a thin baby blanket. She sings to her sleepy child. First it's the lullaby she chose for him, then it's 'Imagine', then a couple of other favorites from back in the day. That coupled with the sound of her heart beat lulls him to sleep and Violet gently moves him over to his crib, kissing the top of his head before lowering him into it and draping the baby blanket over him. Watching her son's chest rising and sinking in a steady rhythm has a serene effect on her. It's almost hypnotising. She could probably watch him for hours.

When she eventually returns to the living room, she's surprised to see Pete still in the same uncomfortable sleeping position. He doesn't respond right away when she speaks his name and gently shakes him.

"Pete?" she whispers. "Pete, wake up."

"Mh?" he responds, his eyes remaining closed.

It takes two more attempts before his eyes open and he looks at her.

"You should go to bed," Violet suggests.

Pete's eyes droop shut as he replies, "Too tired," his lips barely moving.

"You're gonna be needing a chiropractor in the morning if I let you stay like this on the couch," she lectures, pulling a couple of the pillows away from underneath him in an attempt to make him get up.

"No's comfy couch," Pete murmurs as he rests his head on top of the remaining pillows.

Violet gives up and lifts Pete's feet up on the couch as well while looking around the room for a blanket and sees one nicely folded up over the armrest of one of the armchairs.

"Lucas?" Pete asks, his eyes still closed.

"He's sleeping," Violet tells him, draping the blanket over him. "It's alright, go back to sleep."

Violet gently strokes Pete's stubbled cheek and is rewarded with a sigh. She's ready to get up when she hears him murmur, "Love you, Violet."

Although it shouldn't be that surprising, the words still carries a punch. Breathing gets heavier and butterflies starts flapping around in her stomach. It's not a bad feeling, or well, it's good and bad at the same time. Good, because his words are merely mirroring the way she feels. Bad, because it makes it that much harder keeping her word to Dr. Watson. Bad, because all she wants to do in that moment is to wake him, kiss him and tell him she loves him, too. But, maybe if she only kisses him in his sleep. If she keeps away from his lips. If it's his cheek, if he doesn't notice, maybe that will be alright.

It's not breaking the rules if he doesn't notice...


End file.
